My life has been the poem...

Saturday, June 30, 2012



My life has been the poem I would have writ
But I could not both live and utter it.

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HD Thoreau.

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And how much would I have wanted the poem? And how much the life? Life brings poetry, or poetry brings to it life?

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Particular

Thursday, June 7, 2012

I like mangoes. A lot. Cliches call it the king of fruits. I wonder if there is a queen of fruits. King or queen, I love its succulence. At its richest, it's an unending source of pulpy goodness. Why would a manufacturer bottle such goodness? Kind of life how we do for all the good things we dream of in life. I thought this and more as I sat at my usual place in the canteen of this plant where I work. Today, they are serving mangoes. One each. And more if you are greedy enough to ask.

Rice and sambhar are done with. I sit at the table with the mango in front. Red and yellowish. It looks just the right shape and size - and just the right texture, not too soft and not too hard. And that's when I realize the problem. I don't know how to eat it. It's at times like this that you realize that you know so little of yourself. I only know how to bit into its flesh, tear it apart, and suck on the tender juice, my palms sticky and my face aglow with joy. I do not know how to enact the same ritual. I watch as the person who sits in my office, pick up her mango, and then use the spoon. I watch as my joy - the ugliness, and the chaos in eating the mango disappear into English politeness. Scoop out the insides, curl the spoon and then slowly, gingerly, tenderly thrust the spoon into your mouth. Where's the juice? Where's the pleasure of licking your arms as the mango trickles its way down? I watch, my own mango sitting there forgotten and crumbled. "You want?" asks my colleague. I nod mutely. But my mango doesn't agree. It gets up, walks out of the door, out to the factory, out to the streets, and continues walking to the tree where it came from and where it once stood proud ready to squeezed and licked and sawn apart. This gentle scooping of its insides is more painful than a violent death. I looked at the mango, and said goodbye silently. I  know. Gentle scooping of the inside is more painful than a violent death. The mango walked out. I don't.

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The Bus

Saturday, June 2, 2012

It's always like this. I take two buses to office. I get down at this old part of Bangalore, called KR Market, or Krishnarajendra Market. My bus drops me outside Tipu Sultan's decaying and crumbling fort. The Market is much like the Fort. It's an abysmal representation of the 'real' India. I had once sent my Lincoln Park-dwelling, Chicago-high town boss here so that her daughter could take photos. Of the 'real' India. And it is real. It has rained last night. I try to evade the slush that only yesterday's tomatoes can create. Mixed with the stench of perhaps a 100 cows.

I usually stand here, waiting for bus No.223 to take me to Shivajinagar, which is where I work. The bus system is a bit of a miracle - of all the things that fall apart in Bangalore, its public bus system often doesn't. Except when we Bangaloreans don't take kindly to film stars dying and take our anger and distress out on one of these helpless carriers of human filth. I am a bit of a relic here myself - my knees, which my kind doctor tells me, are the knees of a 60-year old (I am 31), make little creaking noises even as I stand. I fidget and walk around - avoiding the glances of shy men scratching their balls, and women already sweaty from the muggy air. Today, as I wait, I want to enter the Fort. I might miss the bus, if I do so. Do I go? Should I go? The Fort looks forbiddingly closed. I am not even sure from where I should enter. I am not sure why I should. Isn't it funny that I have spent two years at this very spot, and all my life in Bangalore, yet I have never entered Tipu's old Fort? Why should it be funny? I am not sure. But surely today I should. Do something different. I can do this much, can't I? I take two steps towards, and then I hear it. Bus No.223 has drawn up. I look at the bus. I look at the Fort. And I get on the bus. And get to Shivajinagar, and forget about the Fort, because I am in one. Always.

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Expression of soul-shocked awe and horror at life

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